The Woman They Loved
They disagreed about most everything.
The right food to feed a baby. The best card game. How much a woman ought to weigh and whether or not she should wear a whalebone corset and stockings even in August heat. Whether she should sit by the pool at the country club or work in the garden when it was 100 degrees.
Grandma loved home churned butter and ice cream made with cream from the Jersey cow, mixed with peaches from the orchard. Mom disapproved and favored salad made with spinach in the days when no one put dark green anything on their iceberg lettuce and cucumber. Grandma liked homemade bread with thick slabs of butter. Mom wanted Rye Crisp with no fat.
Mom made homemade yogurt, so sour everyone wrinkled their nose when they got near the jars of curdled milk. Grandma wouldn’t touch it, of course. She made rice pudding or bread pudding, especially good for babies she thought, with sugar and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
When my mom first visited the Missouri farm with my dad, she offended Grandma by bringing food for my brother and me. Hadn’t Grandma raised two sons? Wasn’t she known at the Audrain County Presbyterian Church as a fantastic cook? My mother disagreed.
My dad went to the county fair for fried chicken and pie. My mother got colitis.
Still, these women who both loved my dad agreed on a few essential things. They both loved Franklin Roosevent and especially his wife Eleanor and wanted me to love her, too.
Grandma was grateful for the rural electrification program since she’d spent years on the farm in Missouri with no electric lights. When I was a child, she still pumped water by hand from the deep well in the yard, but electric lights were everything! Grandma could read sheet music on winter nights and play her piano. She could read a book to me when I stayed the night, rolling into her soft body on the soft bed where my dad once slept.
They also agreed that Eleanor Roosevelt was a powerful woman, almost a saint. When Eleanor helped arrange for Marion Anderson to sing at the Lincoln Memorial at the top of those wide broad steps under that statue of Lincoln, my mom and grandma were thrilled by a dark-skinned woman giving a concert with her huge rich voice. The Daughters of the American Revolution had canceled Anderson’s concert in Constitution Hall. Good Missouri Democrats, my mom and grandma were outraged when Marion Anderson’s concert was canceled because she was black.
Mom honored Katherine Hepburn’s lean silhouette and Grandma admired an opera singer’s full body, but they both loved Eleanor Roosevelt. Together they taught me that racial tolerance and fighting for equality makes every woman beautiful.
***
Were your political ideals shaped by the women in your life? Mine certainly were. For other articles about my political activity see Giving Hope a Seat between Anxiety and Grief: Women’s March on Washington. Or for something earlier, Make Love, Not War: 1967.
dianea kohl
Hi Elaine, I just finished reading Leaning Into Love, and find we have a great deal in common. I love your vivid detail so that I feel close to you. I wonder if you remember me as a dear friend of Gayle Gray, and am a Marriage and Family Therapist still in practice, with a primal therapy foundation…thus my license plate CRYBABE:)I am wondering if you would like to get together for tea or coffee and share our love of grieving. My website is maketruelove.com
Elaine Mansfield
Hi Dianea,
I certainly remember Gayle Gray, but I’m not sure if you and I have met. If we have, I apologize for not remembering. Thank you for doing the work you do to support those who grieve. Out of necessity, I lead a quiet life. I have Meniere’s Disease (severe hearing loss, vertigo, and more), so my favorite way to get together with others is to take quiet walks in the country. I wouldn’t say I have a love of grieving, but it’s a necessary part of being human. We lose things we love and find ways to adjust and reconstruct. Having my husband die was difficult, but losing my hearing is hard, too. I keep working with my limitations and still find ways to enjoy life. Wishing you the best. I don’t know where you live and hunting season is about to start here, but I’m out walking every day. Blessings.
Lin Gregory
This is a great post Elaine – its always interesting to hear how peoples lives and beliefs are shaped and yours was shaped by three very strong women. I think my Nan and my mum were polar opposites in many ways, yet they loved each other very much. And, if my nan taught me one thing from her life, it was that no matter how many trials and tribulations you go through during your life (and she went through many) live it to the fullest that you can…and always remember to treat yourself!! Sending you Autumn blessings.
Elaine Mansfield
Your Nan sounnd like a wise woman. I’m glad she was a guide in your life. I’m still releasing Monarchs, so I’ll be ready to face Autumn weather nest week. Two will fly today and about 15 more look ready to bloom. What a magical process it is! Sending love in these last warm days.
GR
What a lovely story. … thank you, Elaine!
Elaine Mansfield
Thank you. It wasn’t easy to be a Democrat in Missouri, even 50 years ago. They followed their heart.
Marian Beaman
This is lovely post: beautiful tributes to both your loved ones and a towering figure in 20th century history. My Grandma Longenecker and Aunt Ruthie drove to Philadelphia once to hear Marian Anderson sing. Although my community was all white, I was taught to love all creeds and skin colors. Yes, my ideals about life in general were shaped by the women in my life. I was just a baby when Eleanor Roosevelt’s husband was in office, but I admired her advocacy for women and humanitarian efforts later on. The documentaries on her life prove she was a strong woman, who unfortunately had to put up with the indiscretions of an unfaithful husband.
Elaine Mansfield
Marian, I love your Grandma and Aunt Ruthie even more. Two Mennonite women in Philadelphia to hear Marian Anderson! How wonderful. I was just a little girl when FDR was in office, too, but he was a topic of continuing conversation and gratitude with my grandparents. Partly because, even then, there weren’t many Democrats in Missouri. Yes, in time it became clear that Eleanor had an unfaithful husband, but she found love and lasting friendship with many women and a long and deep relationship with journalist Lorena Hickok. A woman could love another women then without becoming a target.
Aladin Fazel
Dear Elaine, this is a beautiful memoir of a wonderful time in your life, with heartwarming old pictures and the ice cream! It brings back memories of my childhood, walking to our school and passing by an ice cream maker in a narrow alley. I can still smell the tempting scent. I agree that Eleanor Roosevelt was a great woman. I believe there have been many excellent women in human history, and your grandmother, your mother, and you are among them. Sending blessings and my best wishes.
Elaine Mansfield
I love imagining you as a little boy smelling and licking icecream. There are many excellent women in this world, but only a few have positions of power and can use their excellence to make the world a better place. Eleanor Roosevelt was one of those rare women and so was Marian Anderson. I wish I could have heard some of their conversations.
Deborah Gregory
Dear Elaine,
This is just wonderful and such a great title! There’s so much ‘herstory’ in this post. Thank you for also sharing these photos, they really bring your family stories to life. You know the line I love best is your very last one, “Together they taught me that racial tolerance and fighting for equality makes every woman beautiful.” Together, being the key word, as despite any and all differences between these two women, together they shaped you into the beautiful, wise, woman you are today. Marvellous!
Love and light,
Deborah
Elaine Mansfield
My mother and grandmother were strong women who didn’t approve of each other. Grandma took up too much space with her big body, love of performance, and huge contralto voice while my mother hid her fierceness from the world and it came out in sharp jabs and the desire for worldly achievement. Their animosity softened in time in a way that reminds me of my relationship to Vic’s mother. They learned to accept each other and even admire each other’s talents and strengths.
My dad had many dark skinned employees in his building supply business in Missouri and my mom and I visited and took gifts when a new baby was born or someone was sick in one of their families. This bahavior stood out in a world where light skinned people treated others as invisible. If you loved Eleanor Roosevelt, you knew her desire for equal rights–and they both loved Eleanor Roosevelt. Marion Anderson and Eleanor Roosevelt were strong talented women and that was the lure for my mom and grandma. I’m grateful for what they taught me in a culture that didn’t support equality or women’s rights. Sending love and light back your way. Autumn is in the air here.